Honest feelings

Making my blog public is honestly one of the most difficult decisions in my life. It's not only my feelings I'm pouring out on this blog, it's my friends' feelings and emotions as well.

I have a firm resolution though. I don't want to sink back into the "emo" episode I was having last year. I don't want to doubt happiness again.

Several times over the past few years, I've been trying to define happiness. What exactly is happiness? Is it something that makes me smile? Isn't that a little superficial? It kinda makes me sad.

Then you have the politically correct answer: Happiness is derived from the happiness of your loved ones.

But that doesn't sit right with me. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for my friends and family when they're happy but that doesn't mean I'm happy. I find it hard to differentiate between a genuine smile and a forced smile these days. Been smiling like an idiot for so long I forgot that deep down, that little idiot isn't happy at all.

Smiling, to me, seems like a way to convince people you're happy. You smile when you're happy yes, but you smile more when you're trying to put on a brave front too.

Last Saturday, I went jogging with one of my friends. We always jogged in the middle of the night. Don't ask me why. Perhaps it's cause the night breeze is more cooling. Either way, we started our routine and we jogged from our house bus stop to Junction 8. As I was jogging, I was thinking and let me tell you jogging really helps to clear your mind.

I thought to myself, "What exactly triggered this whole emo episode last year?"

I'm not gonna lie. I was literally down in the dumps. Didn't even see a semblance of hope. Now that I'm better I can't help but wonder, what sparked it in the first place?

I don't know if my blogpost makes any sense but that thought basically led me on a road trip to self discovery. To find out what made me upset, I tried to find out what made me happy. I searched through my memories, even going back to my childhood ones to find one that is of value to me. To my horror, I found none.

It wasn't because I wasn't happy as a child. I had a wonderful childhood. It's because somehow along the way, I got lost and now, I can't even remember what true happiness is. That's what chronic sadness does to a person. It robs the joy away from memories. It steals happiness away. I hate it but most of the time, I'll admit, I let it win.

Talking to my jogging buddy, she told me this: Don't all teenagers go through this "emo" phase of their lives where they're suicidal and wanna die?

I think about it and I can't help but agree. It's certainly common to hear teenagers saying they wanna kill themselves, I'll admit, but are we confusing commonality with normality here?

If it's normal for a teenager to feel suicidal due to puberty and hormone changes, then aren't those suicide victims doing what they're expected to do? Or is it because they went the extra mile of actually doing the deed that they are considered abnormal?

I don't get it. What is so different from a  teenager who is suicidal and a suicidal teenager who killed herself? If she hasn't "offed" herself so to speak, aren't those suicidal thoughts of hers deemed normal by society?

I know I'm confusing. My point is this: it shouldn't be considered normal to feel suicidal, emo or whatever word you wanna use to describe this feeling of utter self-disgust and loathing. It should cause warning and alarm bells to go off. It may be just a phase but if not managed properly, it might be the very last phase a child goes through.

After all, pain is never spoken but felt. 

How can we help people in need if we don't even try to empathise with the pain they're in?

"Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."

When my paternal grandmother passed away when I was 16, I turned to songs to find solace and comfort. One of the songs that I came across was The Rose by Bette Midler. This song was released in 1979, way before I was born, yet it is still relevant now.

I never really thought of it till now but seriously, how fucked up are the mindsets of teenagers these days. How is it considered 'normal' for teenagers to feel suicidal or self-harm? How is it normal for teenagers to bully one another due to a lack of emotional comfort? How is this society still functioning as one?

Reading the lyrics when I was 16 years old and reading the lyrics now that I'm 20 has left me reeling with different emotions. I'm trying not to go on a rant about the deeper meanings behind the lyrics but one particular line stood out to me so I'm just going to point it out.

"Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."

Bearing in mind that this song was written in 1979, I was just so astonished how this single sentence of lyrics just summarised self-harm as one beautiful quote. When I'm not busy being overwhelmed by my emotions, I like to think about the triggers for my emo-induced episodes and figure them out so that those episodes don't happen again. And as I was travelling down that road of thought, a realisation suddenly struck me.

If you think about it in a fucked up sort of way, those people who engage in self harming activities are actually doing it because they either:

1. Don't feel loved
2. Don't feel like they deserve to be loved

So if you follow my train of thoughts, aren't those people harming themselves because of love? Now, back to the line of lyrics in Bette Midler's song, The Rose.

"Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."

I've always wondered why she chose to use the word 'razor' in this sentence. Surely there are many other words that could be used in replacement. Even if it's about the number of syllables in the word itself, I'm pretty sure there are many other words that have two syllables and are potentially damaging to the soul and can leave it to bleed.

Yet, she used the word 'razor'.

And as I was scrolling through the cutting tag on tumblr, I finally understood why.

"Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed."